Kidnapped by Catwoman

This entry concerns what I believe to be one of the greatest television moments of my childhood. In fact I'll stick my neck out and cal it one of the greatest television moments of all time. If nothing esle it's possibly the greatest exercise in putting outright kink in a mainstream prime time sitcom. Yes it's that episode of Mork and Mindy where he gets abducted by sexy aliens or Mork vs The Necrotons to give it it's precise title. Everyone is I presume familliar with Mork and Mindy. If not the premise is simple. Robin Williams plays Mork a wacky alien from the planet Ork

who does wacky stuff like making sandwiches eat him

and making smoke come out of household appliances while wearing wacky sunglasses

.Williams' energetic performance (greatly assisted by a rip roaring offscreen coke addiction) has a sort of Marmite affect on people who are either charmed or greatly irritated by it. Mork shares a house with Mindy (Pam Dawber)

a cute girl next door type who makes cute and expressive faces to the extent that one naturally ponders at great length what her sex face would look like

Mindy stands alongside Princess Leia, Daisy Duke and whatsherface out of Buck Rogers in the late 70s , early 80s First Crush Hall of Fame. Mork vs The Necrotons was first broadcast as a two part sepecial in 1979 but I first saw it round my cousin's house around 1985/6. Yes this was such a profoundly memorable piece of television entertainment that I recall exactly where I was when I saw it. I didn't see it again til recently on DVD and Youtube as I never saw another repeat of it but the events of the episode had been indelibly burned into my brain for years.

In 'Mork vs The Necrotons', Mork is told by his diembodied voiced boss guy Orson that a Necroton spaceship has been sighted entering Earth's atmosphere.

The Necrotons are a race of intergalactic warriors who have been terrorising the fuck out of the Orkans for millennia and Orson fears that their aim is to get Mork to reveal everything he knows about Earth in order to plan an invasion. As Necrotons are only able to breathe Earth's atmosphere for 24 hours (thus making it a pretty bloody stupid place to come to if you ask me) Mork decides his best course of action is to hide until they run out of oxygen and bugger off.

Mindy advises him that this is best achieved by staying put as the odds on the Necrotons being able to find him anywhere within 24 hours are (no pun intended) astronomical. Of course , this being a sitcom, as soon as Mindy has said this the Necrotons then immediately burst into her living room. What follows is utter genius. First of all from what Orson and Mork were saying about the Necrotons Mindy and the audience are expecting them to be terrifying monsters possibly like the Cybermen or the Cylons or something like that. But no, they're actually a gorgeous voluptuous woman called Captain Nirvana (played by Racquel Welch who is a gorgeous voluptuous woman in real life )

and her beautiful and highly suggestively named sidekicks Kama and Sutra.

Trapping Mindy behind a budget friendly invisible force field,

The Necrotons paralyse a terrfied Mork with "The Transinducer" (basically a soft ball on a bit of string that you doink people on the head with. It sounds like a sissyfication implement though and going by everythign else in this epsidode that's very probably intentional)

and drag him away telingl the helpless Mindy that they're taking him to their "torture chamber".

Aboard the impressive looking Necroton spaceship

we see the dreaded torture chamber.

It basically looks like a very plush version of the Health Spa at a leisure centre I used to work in only the hottub doesn't have floating elastoplasts and weird blokes playing with themselves in it. We also see Nirvana talking to her equivalent of Orson who has similar opinion of her as Orson does of Mork (ie. he basically thinks she's a useless twat) and we get the impression that her heart's not in all this world destroying lark bless her and that she's lonely and fearful of her two henchwomen pinching her job.

Getting Mork to spill the beans on Earth is her big chance to redeem herself.

Right that's the admin out of the way , now onto the good stuff . Fuck Delboy falling through the bar and Victor Meldrew picking up that sausage puppy like a phone, THIS is the greatest sitcom moment ever. The Necroton Torture Chamber. First of all "poor" Mork is dragged in blindfolded by Kama and Sutra

He is then ordered by Nirvana to turn around

So that he can be searched (in the most lascivious possible manner) for hidden Orkan weaponry.

We can already see that the "ordeal" facing Mork is going to be not so much one dreamed up by a sadistic master of torture but of the sort daydreamed by an oversexed sci-fi fan during a metalwork class. Nirvana starts threatening Mork with the rack and other torture methods that sound comical but would be horrifying to actually see done to Mork or anyone else . Mork scoffs at pain however. You see Orkans, get this, are unaffected by pain but cannot endure physical pleasure.

Now in the context of the programme this makes no sense what so bloody ever. I'm pretty sure Mork has been shown to feel pain in other epsiodes and if he can't abide physical pleasure then what the hell kind of physical relationship does he have with Mindy in later series when they go form the friend zone to being an item in order to boost sagging ratings? In the context of an abduction and torture fantasy though it's sheer unadulterated fucking genius of Einstein or even Wonka proportions. If Mork can't be made to tell his secrets with pain then they're just going to have to extract them with sexiness. The lights are dimmed and sexy music starts to play. Mork reacts to this as if Throbbing Gristle's "Hamburger Lady" has been wacked on at volume 11.

Then the Hot Tub is turned on and you'd think a swirling pit of raw sewage and used medical sharps had been unveiled

Mork is ordered to get behind a modesty screen and strip

If you're going to "pleasure" someone into doing something then getting Raquel Welch in a sexy alien outfit to order them to strip is a pretty damn good start I reckon. whilst Mork scurries behind the screen. Kama and Sutra start to throw around ideas like rubbing Mork down with baby oil as they take Nirvana's jacket off presumably so that she's got more cleavage on display to worsen Mork's "plight". Let's have six screencaps of that shall we?

It is safe to presume from this that Kama and Sutra regularly dress and undress Captain Nirvana as part of their henchwomanly duties. They probably bathe her and rub her down with cocoa butter and do her bikini line and stuff too. In fact if they're in space for long periods of time it's highly possible that they may have other duties realting to Nirvana being undressed. That's what I would like to believe at any rate.

Anyway back to the actual episode. As this is going on Mork is trying to add some wackiness to cut through the sheer fug of erotica and takes off like three pairs of pants behind the screen

Before emerging wearing a zany coloured old fashioned bathing suit, which he claims is a tattoo.

Nirvana asks why he isn't naked. To which I ask , how come she gave him a modesty screen to change behind if he's meant to walk out in the nuddy anyway. Mork is given one last opportunity to "save himself a lot of pleasure" and talk. Of course even a Olympic level oddball like Mork acts like any sane person and dares the Necrotons to do their very worst

And so the torture begins. On the command "Sic Him!"

Kama and Sutra srtip down to silver space bikinis

And grab a hold of Mork as Nirvana picks up what appears at first to be a knife

But is actually a feather

Which she hands to Kama and Sutra to give Mork a good old tickling with. Enjoy the idea of tickle torture administered by women? You bloody well will do if you see this as a youth let me tell you

Marvellous stuff . Of course Mork remains defiant and so he is bunged into the Hot Tub with Kama and Sutra getting in with him

Mork of course reacts like he's been dumped in a recepticle of lukewarm snot accompanied by a naked John McCrirrick. And when Nirvana adds bubblebath

You'd think that a deranged wino was passing water into it. Incidentally he's a hairy bugger isn't he old Mork? Anyways Nirvana ups the stakes by sitting on the side of the dreaded tub

and ordering her henchwomen to blow in Mork's ear

And kiss his neck

Another hard day at the office for Robin Williams. Now remember I said that Mork's aversion to physical pleasure made no sense at all and was never referenced again to my knowledge in the series. Well judging by our Orkan friend's face in those last three screencaps I put it to him that he's fed Captain Nirvana a load of bullshit knowing that this would happen to him . "I'll never talk. Do your worst" is nothing if not the submissive's credo. As I said earlier I was sat round my cousin's house watchign this and I was utterly enthralled to the point where a Rhinocerous charging through the wall couldn't have unglued my eyes from the screen . I had been quite conncerened about Mork at the start of the episode what with him having scary sounding aliens after him but I was now firmly in a"Mork you jammy bastard" mindset. Anyway that's far from the end of it. Mork still won't cough

so Nirvana dons some kind of space glasses

The glasses are further up than you may well be perusing dear reader. She (rather bizarrely) uses these glasses to read bawdy limericks from a microfilm presumably in a bid to arouse Mork further but the actual result is that Mork's thrashing abotu her makes her drop the microfilm in the tub and bend down to retrieve it

As an unashamed bosom enthusiast I make no apologies for including two screenshots of Nirvana fishing the microfilm out of the Hot Tub and I think it's also well worth including this shot of her doing some sexy Domme finger wagging too

Mork uses this confusion to mount an escape from the Tub (cue much "What the fuck are you doing man?" in my 7 year old internal monologue.

He is soon re grabbed by Kama and Sutra though and Nirvana decides that the only thing for it is to subject Mork to .... The Trembler!!

The Trembler is one of those things like food pills and hover boards that I'd have presumed at the time I first saw this woudl have been invented and mass marketed by the year 2012. That it hasn't been makes a nonsense of the notion of scientific progress. It at first appears to just be a normal piece of metal

But as soon as the start button is pressed, in this case by Nirvana with her arse,

This happens

Yep it's a machine that makes a pair of womans hands come out and feel you up. Despite Nirvana's claims that this will have Mork "moaning for mercy" he wisely keeps schtum presumably wanting to see what "horrors" will befall him next. Nirvana dismisses Kama and Sutra and decides that a bit of one on one torture will do the trick

With her potential usurpers gone, Nirvana confides on Mork about her fears of dismissal if she fucks this mission up

Now as everyone who likes domineering women will tell you. Soft cuddles are as important as hard spanks and this scene is as important to Nirvana's dream Domme status as the "totrure". Anyway, she gets so upset by Morks' refusal to crack that she actually starts to cry

Mork, obviously realising that he's been given every sexy torture method at the Necrotons disposal feeds Nirvana some zany made up bullshit about Earth and then tells her about the human game Simon Says which he uses to get Nirvana to shut her eyes and walk backwards straight into the Trembler

We see there a major manufacturing fault with the Trembler. Instead of the hands running over Nirvana's curves and manipulating her into a shuddering orgasm it simply holds her arms thus derailing what could have been a fine erotic moment. While she's held in place Mork scarpers. After Kama and Sutra release her from the Trembler, Nirvana calls her Boss and tells him all the made up bollocks Mork just told her

He of course sees through this immediately and so Plan B is put into effect. Kidnapping Mindy and using her to extort the information from Mork. This starts of very promisingly indeed. Mindy is abducted offscreen and brought to the spaceship on a leash and collar.

What I think is sexy here is the contrast between Mindy's girl next door looks and drab clothes and the probable Granny panties or otjer conservative underwear she has on underneath them and Necrotons more glam look. It's similar to the whole Sandy/ Pink Ladies thing I talked about in the last entry. The girl next door abducted by sexy aliens has all kinds of potential for hotness. Mindy being a feisty type is even giving Nirvana sassmouth about her uniform thus begging to be taken down a peg by her captors

So what dastardly and smoking hot treatement do the Necrotons have in mind for Mindy. Surely they'll tel her to get behind the screen and strip naked like they did to Mork. Maybe they'll presume that she has the same aversion to physical pleasure as Mork does and put he rin the Hot Tub and kiss her neck and stuff. Or stick her on the Trembler after first fixing it so that it works on women too. Even if they don't go that route there's other options. That feather they used on Mork. Perhaps they'll tickle torture her. And then there's all kinds of spanky type stuff that could be done. But no. They just stick her fully clothed in a massive birdcage and thus a golden opportunity is utterly wasted. The collar is still hot though.

The rest of the episode is more zany than erotic. Mork inexplicably finds his way home despite the fact he was led blindfold to the Mecroton ship and finds Mindy missing. He then also somehow finds his way back there and offers to spill the secrets to save Mindy. Nirvana, having been hornswaggled by Mork's hogwash before decides that torture won't work now (booooooo!) and that the only way to
be sure of getting the truth is to suck Mork's brains out with some kind of contraption

Even this ghastly process comes off as a little bit sexy when the victim is led on a nice comfy sofa with hot aliens either side of him. Kama and Sutra leave and Nirvana does what's known in wrestling as a "Face Turn" and decides she wants to save Mork from havign his brain sucked and take him to Necroton with her to be her slave and concubine.

I know what I'd do but then Mork's got Mindy to think of hasn't he so he refuses and there's some drawn out stuff involving Mork pretending to choke

and swordfighting with Nirvana

and then there's some bit that's about 7 minutes long with them doing this thing called the Battle Of The Rose where they fanny about with a Rose, dancing and passing it with their teeth .It does mean Nirvana takes her jacket off again though.

Then Kama and Sutra try and take over the ship

This involves a the Necroton "Death Hug" and Mork being sandwiched between sexy aliens

The hardships of being Robin Williams continue relentlessly. Mindy gets hold of a vapouriser gun and puts Kama and Sutra in the cage (sadly any additonal sexy punishment for treason remains offscreen and contained in the minds of noble pervs)

and it gets to high time the episode ended. Nirvana decides that Mork is now the only friend she's ever had and that the friendly thing to do is to let him go back with Mindy to progressively falling ratings that could have quite frankly been averted with more episodes like this . And as for the animated series where they had a pink alien dog.... Anyway Mork kissed Nirvana goodbye and scarpers. Oh yeah, the 24 hours thing. A Necroton hour is like 700 squillion Earth years or something. So yeah.

Of course cos it's Mork and Mindy the episode ends with Mork calling Orson, Mork calling Orson

and telling him what he's learned over the course of the episode.

He tells Orson he's learned about the importance of friendships and how they can avert intergalactic conflict but the real learning experience has been that Mork has had a rather pleasant introduction to Dommes, fetish and mild S&M . As have legions of young geeks watching the episode with a "funny" feeling that will one day make perfect sense. Nanu Nanu

Thursday 14 February 2013

Kidnapped by Catwoman on tour

Monday 16 July 2012

Kidnapped by Catwoman The Show: Promo video

Saturday 16 June 2012

Kidnapped by Catwoman : Edinburgh fringe 2012

Friday 15 June 2012

Formative Fantasy and Fetish Fuel Number Three: Mork vs The Necrotons